from my notebook

My head is full of thoughts, and I have to write them down.

Ready to Go to Heaven

Philippians 1:21-24 really got to me this morning. I found myself, thinking at least, that I understood how Paul felt. I guess many Christians go through times where they wish they could just go on to heaven and leave the troubles of this world behind. Well it struck it me this morning that is how I feel. I wish I could just cut on out of here. Not because of enormous trials and sufferings like Paul experienced. No I want to head on to heaven because I no longer have any personal hopes and dreams to attain.

Now I don’t even want to think about leaving my husband and children behind. While I’m sure they don’t need me as much as I’d like to think, I do look forward to my family’s future years. I have always enjoyed every phase and accomplishment of my children’s lives. But it’s those personal goals and dreams that I seem to have lost. I totally broke down and wept at that realization. Over the last couple of years I have watched my big dreams slowly fade away. Through my tears I said it over and over again, “I have no dreams any more, I have no dreams.”
Then somehow between all the sniffling and boohooing, God reminded me of Hebrews 11:1, “Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen,” and the reminder of the many passages that proclaim nothing is impossible with God. What I’d really like to hear from God are those words He spoke to me twelve years ago that sparked my biggest personal dreams, but that is not to be right now. I don’t know if those dreams will ever be fulfilled, but that can’t be my focus, no personal dream can be.

My focus must stay on Jesus and Him alone and the assurance that there will be much for me to accomplish for Him. I’m in a dry place right now. I’ve always been a dreamer and a goals oriented person, so dry is a hard place to be. I feel almost numb at times, but thank God He is always there to remind me of who He is.


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